4 Texts To Send INSTEAD Of Ghosting

"Would you be open to...uhhh....foot stuff?" — believe it or not — doesn't even make the top 10 list of weirdest things I've been messaged while running dating app profiles for my clients.

Suffice it to say, I’ve met some really strange people in the world of online dating. 

But on the flip side, I’ve also met some amazing people solely because of a dating app, including my husband.

A common thread in dating (whether after a divorce or not) is that no one wants to feel like they’re wasting their time. Nor do people want to feel like they're having their time wasted. 

I’ve heard the term “ghosted” thrown around a lot in different contexts, so I want to clarify what it means for those who are new to modern dating. 

Ghosting is defined as the practice of suddenly ending all contact with a person without explanation, especially in a romantic relationship. 

A few situations I consider to be “ghosting”:

• You go out on a first date with someone then never hear from them again.

• You match with someone on a dating app, enjoy a great conversation, decide to plan a date and then they disappear.

• You date someone for weeks and/or months and then they stop calling or texting altogether.

I do not consider any of these situations to be “ghosting”:

• You match with someone on a dating app and then they don't respond to your message.

• You match with someone on a dating app and you only get a “Hey” or one message from them.

• You chat with someone on a dating app for a week then they stop the conversation suddenly.

It's quite common to go out on a first date and one or both people just don’t see it going anywhere. But I've seen that people dating after divorce often struggle with how to communicate with someone else that they don't feel a connection.

So what’s the next step?

You have one of two options:

1. Send that slightly uncomfortable (what I like to call a “soft rejection”).

2. Ghost them.

Ghosting is done by people who think they’re taking the path of least resistance. Some men and women feel like ghosting is nicer than saying “Thanks, but no thanks”. They prefer to just pretend like it never happened and hope the other person does the same.

The problem with normalizing ghosting is that it leaves the other person wondering what happened. Even worse, it makes the "ghostee" replay the previous interaction in their head wondering, wondering what they said or did to scare the "ghoster" off.

But when the roles are reversed and it’s us waiting around, we really wish the person could have just softly rejected us. 

In an attempt to try and make the dating scene a less toxic place, I thought it would be helpful to share a few different things you can say to someone who you’re no longer interested in INSTEAD of ghosting them.

Here are 4 texts to send INSTEAD of ghosting:

1. It was really nice getting to know you, but I think we're at different stages in our lives.

2. Hey ___. I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you, but I think we’re looking for different things. I wish you the absolute best.

3. It's been really nice chatting with you, but I've decided to take a break from dating for the time being. I wish you nothing but the best.

4. I just started seeing someone seriously and I’m not good at dating multiple people. I really hope you find someone you enjoy spending time with.

If you are taking the high road and not ghosting, please keep in mind that not everyone will receive this straightforward feedback well. Additionally, you have no obligation to explain yourself once you send one of these texts. If the interaction does go poorly, I suggest not getting baited into texting back and forth explaining why you don’t see it working out with this person. If someone does take it personally and lashes out it’s just a good reminder that you made the right call on not pursuing anything further with them. 

I've run clients’ dating apps for years. In my experience about 4 out of every 5 “soft rejection” messages I’ve sent have been taken well. As for the 5th person, you can’t change how people react, you can only control how you respond. 

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